I have never experienced it.

And then I got up in front of a room of maybe thirty people, the local library for an open mic.

I couldn’t remember how to play.

Or rather my fingers wouldn’t move the way I wanted them to, the way they should move.

Deer in the headlights.

Shit, I’m completely fucked.

The wall of adrenaline and panic I felt was nothing like I have ever experienced. My stomach was sick for days afterward.

I knew it would be hard, but I didn’t expect to be completely undone.

I have sung at Carnegie Hall (with 125 or so other brilliant women).

I have played recital pieces on the piano or harpsichord for slightly bigger rooms from memory. And I may have stumbled, but I was fine. (I was also a lot younger).

Countless singing groups for all sizes of audiences.

Solo singing at Church on occasion. I’m about the last person she ever asks, but I dutifully say yes. And it’s fine.

Nothing prepared me for getting up in front of an intimate and talented group and trying to perform something I had written.

Maybe it really is a terrible idea to sing over a jig pick.

Even if I have been playing that song for 7 years.

The first song I completely wrote.

Did I mention that 95% of those performing were (very talented) balding white men? It isn’t their fault. They all seem nice and welcoming. That’s who they are. There were three women: me trying (and failing ) to perform on my own, an incredibly talented fiddle player who knew everyone and jammed with everyone, and played her own piece, and a woman who provided some harmonies with one of the groups. I had heard it might very well be like this. But I found myself “Woman among Men” and while it wasn’t the primary cause of the nerves, it wasn’t helpful either.

I am determined to go back, but I will do it differently.

Can I get an Amen?

I will sing a capella. Probably the Amen Chorus/ This Litle Light like Sam Cooke bc it is the first thing a remember my mother singing to me. And my dad was a huge Maryland basketball fan. You haven’t heard singing until you hear the student body of Maryland erupt into the Amen Chorus at the end of a game (win or lose, bc God is good). Circa Cole Field House 1980s. I don’t think they do this anymore.

Bc singing in so innately part of my being that it will put me at ease (I think), and help me get used to this thing I am trying to do.

If I play again, I will sit bc I am more comfortable playing seated.

I will bring a lyric sheet or a reference sheet to help my almost 50 year old memory.

I want to learn how to do this.

I need to build it.

It is unlike anything I have done before.

It takes a lot of nerve.