The chapbook:

I am a little in and out of it right now.

I am knee deep in revisions for this chapbook I am putting together. The cover is motivation, not a final design.

The chapbook was inspired by a 6 month livestream put on by the band Boniver as they waited and built to the release the second part of the album Sable, fABLE ( available everywhere; Album.) It is summarized beautifully in the lyric video form  Short Story.

I am trying to consider each poem anew. Trying to look at every word, consider my line breaks, and how I use punctuation in my poetry (uhh, I don’t know?) Consider the structure, how it flows together like a story, how the audience might perceive it. Who the audience is or might be: Justin, the people who put the steam together, the stream chat gang, the greater Bonverse who might have interest in what happened during the stream, people I know in real life (who are going to think that I am crazy), my family (which will now have proof that I, indeed , am crazy).

This week I took the time to read each and every poem and record it. This was for internal reasons, so I have a good chance to listen to the flow of the poems and make changes. I would like to create a Soundcloud library of readings to go along with the project. I think readings are an important aspect of poetry work and links the work to the oral tradition of bards. I’m going to link one as a teaser. Whether these are the final recordings, whether I might add some music to them, whether I try and make some cool videos of the readings? All things I am thinking about as I move forward. But I don’t want to hold back and wait for these things either. We are in the eighth month and it’s summer. This project needs to be born and soon. I have been holding it too long. Some of it may be an evolving thing past ‘publication.”

I have been making some artwork to go with the digital presentation of this work. As much as I would love to printout a hardcopy for people with the full color artwork, I am concerned it will be too cost prohibitive. So the physical book probably will be very different. The digital version will bc available for free on my blog as a pdf. I will work on a gallery on my blog to showcase the artwork as well. I will consider whether I can (or want? ) to sell the physical paintings if someone is interested. I will consider whether I would accept commissions for original real human made artwork based off the techniques and ideas I am experimenting with.

The whole selling something for money creates a whole practical consideration I am utterly unprepared and uninterested in dealing with. It is frankly a complication. I work as a creative bc I have what I need already. I have little interest in making money or paying taxes to the fascist regime. But the work has value (this I believe) and there is a psychological way in which putting a price on something gives it value and makes people take it a little more seriously. It’s a quandary.

The blog side has slowed down a lot, and my music work. My Instagram is photos and short videos form walks (that have replaced the livestream for me) and artwork. I spent the week reading and recording all 40 some poems. I may post a few of those there or here or both. The slow down is just like summer. But if you are the few people who follow along know I am working away diligently in the background.

I struggle sometimes. This is a very weird niche project. The poems are almost saccharine. So much rhyme! And rhyme schemes that keep repeating themselves. But it’s just what is, part of its weird, and I feel they still have value. Even if it isn’t my best work. (Who am I to say?) It fits well into the quirky world of chapbooks, writing outside of mainstream literary work. A lot of the writing was started on screen and came from conversations or actual verse I put in the chat in real time, which is kind of interesting. I think I am going to also make an annotation available that explains what on screen prompted the poem or some of the more weird references in the poems.

I am taking a class with Alix Klingenberg  called Chapbook Summer which is geared specifically to the how of putting a chapbook together. And it is truly nice to have a structure to put around this unwieldy project and my usual laissez faire approach to creative life. It has also put me into conversation with a variety of other poets who are excited about doing the same thing. Alix creates a nice little class and is wildly creative you should check her out.

It’s coming together. I have doubts. Lots of them. That shows up in the poems bc I am constantly questioning myself.

As I sat down and read over what I have, I realized how many of the poems are conversational. I am talking to a you. The You is the voice in my head. You is sometimes god or a concept like god that I don’t like to name. You is often Justin (Vernon) but not Justin the real living person, Justin the abstraction in my mind. This is a little weird and uncomfortable, a little embarrassing. I did tell him I used him as my Virgil, so I consider him warned. Still uhh..Sorry. I have no idea if he read that particular discussion on the stream. I have no idea if this weird work will make it to him. I have a way I will try. So much of the stream is a black box and remains opaque. But that is why I find it so fascinating.

The project has me in its grasp. It’s thrall. I couldn’t walk away from this if I wanted too. It would haunt me. And I haven’t really experienced this type of possession before. I don’t think this happens very often, so I think I just need to go wherever it is taking me. Be a good steward of this story. The one I am creating. The one I wrote.

There is a resistance to finishing this project bc of what it has meant to me. I am scared to cut the tie once and for all even though I know I need to do it. I don’t know what’s next. That is terrifying. Especially in this world that is so upside down. I feel like I might as well just go and lose my mind. This project has been a life line and refuge through some real dark chapters. Hopefully it will continue to be and will be meaningful to others now in its strange way. It has given me so much joy and I will be eternally grateful of that. It opened a door to painting again. It gave me an audience and some confidence. And I don’t know how I will survive what’s coming. Bc it’s bleak out there. But I now have a toolkit.

I know the world needs a better vision. And I know I can add to that in my tiny, small, little way but this too seems futile and trivial in the face of some truly immense challenges. The world is too much. Too much July, I want to get back to January.