Attributed to Justin Vernon although I’m sure he isn’t the only one to utter such a phrase.

What am I doing here? Why add to the noise? Why write songs? Why do I participate in community choruses? Why play (especially now that my brain is fucked up and it’s harder, sometimes impossible )? Who wants to hear a disabled girl play an instrument that is often approached with pure virtuosity in mind, poorly? Who wants to hear an aging voice sing? Why play piano imperfectly? Why sing a little out of tune? Why do it if you are far from perfect, and you feel and hear each and every one of those imperfections, are increasingly aware of them? Why when you are have heard genius and had it break your heart, in the same moment you marveled a it?

What the fuck am I doing here?

I have been thinking about this a lot.

In late January I was listening to the Hadestown concept album with Anais, Justin, Ani, et al. I got really taken by some of the vocal stuff going down with Justin Vernon as Orpheus. I thought to myself, it’s been a real long while since I really visited with Bon Iver, So starting at For Emma, I decided it was time to deep dive.

I spent several weeks just relistening to the albums and then I found the pioneer works concert. If you are at all a fan and haven’t seen this concert, Do yourself a favor (the commercials are hella annoying, so maybe go premium, you decide) https://youtu.be/YJNi7aRwUzU?si=mLjg4uJWIUHAq9vT

Seeing music I thought of as primarily studio driven performed by a large group of musicians, all so clearly into it, so clearly many but one, on a stage? It might have blown my mind a bit. I listened to the concert over and over.

At some point I sat down at the piano. And I started to write again. Started thinking about the things I had been ignoring, the voice I had given up on developing. I felt holy in those few first shaky moments at the keys. It was an odd feeling, not entirely a comforting one, for an agnostic who has decided that most appropriate answer to the God question is summed up in the Charles Mingus quote “I don’t know. And I don’t care.”

Why am I doing this?

Maybe bc I don’t really have a choice. It’s either this or be dead or numb just waiting for the ending?

Maybe bc I find myself smack square at midlife, and suddenly I have time? And a sometimes empty house? And I feel free to make some noise when I think no one is listening? And maybe I should take advantage of the situation.

I’m sorry if it’s noise. I’m sorry I’m going to add to the out of control cacophony.

But the finding the song, my song, matters. At least to me.

I’ll keep it simple here and on ye olde YouTube channel. Homespun. Me, My cheap Mandolin, a mic, imperfect, but authentic. I have little interest in gear, no interest in the studio and daws, and mixes, and shit that right now isn’t where it’s at for me.

Voice. Instrument. Words.

Just me searching for a song.

Everything else is fucking noise.